Trying to find joy...

      Tuesday I took the NCLEX-RN again. I felt really good going in and coming out of the test. But since then, not knowing how I did is started to eat away at me. When I first got out of the test I walked out to where Matt was waiting for me. We talked a little bit and I asked him if he had internet reception. He said yes, so I snagged his computer and tried the Pearson Vue trick (basically you try to register to take the NCLEX again, if it doesn't let you pay then supposedly you pass, if it does let you pay then it's likely that you failed). It wouldn't let me pay, so I had really high hopes that I'd passed. I felt so good about what I'd done, and to make things even better, Matt took me out to dinner at a Thai restaurant up in Sandy to celebrate having taken the NCLEX and being done (for the time being). Well after we got home after picking up Eric, I couldn't believe that I'd passed. And I started to have this horrible feeling that I'd failed again.

       I kept thinking about how I'd probably failed again. About how I'm going to deal with needing to take that stupid test all over again.  I thought about all the things  I'd rather do with my life, just so I don't have to face that computer screen and all 265 questions just to fail again. When it all boils down to it, all I want to do is be a nurse. I've wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember, and yet actually being a nurse always seems just out of my reach. I was surprised at how much it hurt when I didn't pass the first time, and how long it took me to get over feeling like a failure. What surprised me even more was how over powering and how quickly they came back. It got to the point that I just couldn't handle not knowing anymore, so I paid the extra money to find out if I'd passed or failed. The answer. I failed. Since then it's just been one attempt at holding it all together after another.. Soon I'll go curl up in a ball and just let the tears cascade, but only for a short time. Then I'll slowly start picking up the pieces and start studying again. Who knows maybe 3rd times the charm with this too....

Who knew the tears would come so quickly...

       I've always been protective of children. Especially since my parents added Daniel and Matthew to our family. They taught me what it meant to be an older sister, and what it meant to have someone younger then to care for. They are the ones that taught me how precious life really is. Matt is the one that made me want to adopt a child, and provide a better home and stable environment to grow in.

       Then Eric came into my life, and I learned about a new kind of love. The love a mother has for her children. I knew that loving a my own children would be different then how I feel about my nieces and nephews. But I didn't realize that having a child of my own would affect every other part of my life. I didn't know that once I had a child that I would grow to be more protective of children. I didn't even know that I could be more protective of children then I already was!! Then books that my dad used to read through his tears to me as a child made me start crying as I read them to Eric. Songs on the radio about children started touching me in different ways. Stories on the news about children being abused made me angrier and want to save the children from their abusers. Posts on blogs about children with incurable diseases brought me to tears, just from the pictures, and crying uncontrollably from their stories.

       I used to think that crying over anything was a sign of weakness. But now I know that crying for the right reasons is not weakness. If anything it's a sign of a loving heart. I hope that is something that I can teach my children as they grow. I'm sure when they are young they will be as baffled as I was when my dad cried reading us stories at night. I hope to teach them to embrace the caring natures they are born with, and use it to better the world around them in anyway they can.

Saying goodbye to my one true love

      When Matt first left for basic training last year, I thought that it would be easier to say good-bye to him if I was pregnant. Well having said good-bye pregnant, I can honestly say it's just as hard ever. Granted this time, I know more then ever that I'm not alone. This little  boy of mine seems to know just when to give me a hard kick to remind me that he is always with me. Eric's been such a comfort to me, he's really the best boy a girl could ask for. He listens to me complain, doesn't back talk, and always knows just what to kick to get me out of bed (granted whether that last one is a good thing or not depends on the time of day/night ;] ). But more then anything he's a constant reminder that Matt does, and always will, love me and would do anything for me. I'm so grateful to have that reminder this time around as I won't be able to talk to Matt after tomorrow until July 6th at the earliest. but more then anything I'm so grateful for a husband that isn't scared to put aside his comforts and do what is asked of him no matter what. Something I'm sure he learned from his dad that has impressed me everyday that I've known Matt.

      Matt has been such a blessing in my life, I can't even begin to describe everything he does to show me how important I am to him every day. Last night for example, I broke down and just bawled because he was going to be leaving me for a month and I was scared that he would miss the birth of our precious son. So Matt just pulled me into his arms, let me cry and then gave me a blessing of comfort. Something I didn't even know I needed until he offered to do it. I'm so grateful that he knew how much I needed that, even after I told him that I'd be okay and that we needed to go to bed so that we could get up in the morning to get him to the airport. I'm so lucky to be married to a man that knows me, and knows how to help me even when I tell him I don't need it. He's taught me more about myself then I ever thought anyone could. I guess that's part of why I fell in love with him in the first place. He's always been more patient with me then I deserved, and has always gone out of his way to make sure I knew how much he cared about me. I wish there was a way to put into words everything he does, but there isn't and that, I think, is what makes it so special.

       I could probably go on for hours about how amazing my husband is to me, but after only getting a few hours of sleep last night and working today all I want to do right now is dream about him. So that is just what I'm going to do. Sweet dreams!!

Daddy :)

       This is my wonderful Dad. Growing up Dad and I did a lot together. We'd fix cars together, fix plumbing problems, build furniture and do repairs around the house. While we'd be fixing things together Dad would always ask about my day and how things were going. He'd give me tips on life and how to be a better daughter and future wife. He'd always say, no matter what you think is wrong with your marriage, it's nothing compared to everything good in your marriage. Granted, he'd say it in different words and in his actions, but that's the jist of it. My dad was always someone I could go talk to when I was having a hard time or just needed someone to listen to me vent about a problem I was having with my siblings. His response was always the same (said about 1,000 different ways), "so what's the problem? And you really think it's worth the fight? I know how much you love your sibling, go apologize for what you did and try to patch things up." He was always right. Growing up I was always close to my siblings, and very protective of them all. Yes it may be weird that the youngest girl is protective of her older siblings, but it's something that I picked up from my dad.

       I've always looked up to my dad for being such a hard worker, and always willing to serve anyone in need. Even if it was just taking me out with him to work on the car so that I could tell him what was bothering me, or teaching me how to repair all the holes in the walls so I wouldn't have to hire someone to come fix things in my house. He was, and is, always there for me and I love him so much.

       Thanks for being amazing Dad!!!!!

Journal Jar...

      So in an effort to write more on this blog I've decided to start using my "Journal Jar" that I made. So the one that Matt picked for this post is "What do you look forward to the most?"

      For me, the thing that I look forward to the most is working at a nurse and being a mom. (Big surprise??) Other then that I just look forward to spending the rest of my life with the most wonderful  man in the world, Matt. He's been such a blessing in my life and I can't picture my life without him. He's always there for me no matter what, even if I just need him to hold me while I cry for absolutely no reason at all. I know that no matter what gets thrown at us, we'll make it through because we have each other.

      I look forward to working at nurse because I feel like as a nurse I can do some good in this world. And even if I never do anything great with my life, I'll know that I gave it my best and did what I could to help people around me. I wanted to be a nurse because I love taking care of people, I always have. Even as a kid when someone got hurt and was crying (especially my little brother Matt) I wanted to be the one to take care of them and help them feel better.  Because it was something that I could do that not everyone around me would/could. I loved that blood has never bothered me, that (oddly enough) seeing blood and what ever else just makes me feel calm and level headed, like I'm supposed to be taking care of it and helping that person heal. I had a teacher tell me that I was scary because in one paper I said that "blood excites me." Which yes out of context I can see how that would scare her, and I did use poor wording to explain that when there is someone that's hurt and bloody, I feel so calm and like I can handle the situation. Which for me is exciting, because normally I have a really hard time going out and doing things because I feel so uncomfortable going out of my comfort zone; but, when it comes to someone being hurt or needing my help, it's like my comfort zone becomes the whole world and like I can do anything.


    But for now I will just do my best and work towards my goals.