Lenna

Today I am at a loss for words.

This past week I was informed that Matt's Grandma Lenna was being discharged from the hospital on Hospice care. My mind immediately started racing. I work on the hospice floor (Medical/Oncology/Hospice) at my hospital. I started going through everything in my head that needed to be done for her. Everything that I would do for her if she was in my care at the hospital. And then I realized how little I could do. I struggled knowing I could only call. That none of my training as a nurse could prepare me for the total waste I felt like it all was at that moment. And then I got this feeling that a call would be enough, that I needed to call. The kids needed to call. I knew it needed to happen. So I changed our advent calendar around and made sure that the activity for the night was "call someone you love just to say hi."

I talked to Eric and Sam and let them know that Aiti was very sick and that we needed to do something to help her feel better. Eric said he wanted to sing her a song to help her feel better. So we called and put the kids on speaker phone. I asked Eric what song he wanted to sing to help Aiti feel better. Immediately without thinking he said he wanted to sing "I am a Child of God." So he started singing to her. Sam and I joined in once I got my emotions under control. After we finished that song Sam said she wanted to sing "Once there was a snowman." She did all the actions and wanted Aiti to see her dance. After that we said our goodbyes and I love you's.

They let us know she started smiling, that she reacted to them singing. I about lost it inside, but outwardly brushed it off, saying that they were just saying that for the kids. If ever there was a time to not want someone to start responding its when they are dying. With all of those I have taken care of on their last day, when they respond back it's them saying their final good byes.

This morning I woke up to a call from my husband informing me that Lenna passed about three hours after we called. I lost it. I came out to find my kids huddled on the couch watching a movie and picked them up and just held them while I cried. Eric couldn't be distracted from his movie, but Sam kept asking me why I was crying. I told her I was crying because a friend of mine had died. And in her little voice she said, "you are sad they died, but you are happy because I not dead. I hold you Mommy and then you be happy." I cried harder and held on to her for dear life. I gave myself a few min to cry, but then I decided I had to stop. The day wouldn't stop for me. So we got up and got going with the day.

I never expected to be bothered by her passing.  I've only known her for six years. She wasn't "my" grandma so why was I upset? And then slowly it hit me. She may not have been my grandmother by birth, but she is the only grandma I've ever really had. My biological grandmas may be alive and well, but the only real connection I have with them is the fact that they are my parent's moms. I have maybe two or three memories with them. They've never met my children. But Aiti had. Aiti loved knowing about them and how they were doing. Anti would send them pictures back after we sent ones to her. My kids loved her. They loved playing with her and sharing their excitement for new toys with her. They loved going for rides on her walker. They loved when she would take them on rides on her Jazzy. She may not have been in my life very long, but she did know how to love and how to share that love with everyone. She wanted everyone to know that they were important and made sure that if she was in the room they knew they mattered.

And now as I sit her writing this I can't help but remember the first time and met her and the bear hug she gave me. She accepted me before she even knew who I was. All she knew was the her grandson loved me and that was enough. Lenna was truly filled with the Love of Christ and knew how to share it. She never held back and always gave 100% of herself to anyone and everyone.

Lenna I will miss you. But I know you haven't wasted one minute since you passed.

Till we meet again.

Umm What??

So I feel like time has turned into a blur. Between taking care of my two crazies, planning for an unknown to join us in April and starting a new job; life seems to be flying before my eyes. I'm learning more each day how much I can't do by myself any more and how often I need the help of others. It's been an interesting lesson to learn. I'm so used to being able to do everything by myself or with minimal help, that having to ask for help is sometimes more then I can handle. Thankfully, I am lucky enough to me married to a patient man who is more then willing to step in and ask for help (even when I protest) because he knows it's what we both need.

Ahh the kiddos....

Eric's best lines

"When Carter comes we're going to play monsters."
"If it's Kaelee I'm just going to put her back in your tummy and get Carter out."
"Excuse me Mom, I need to tell you something."
"So what should we do for tonight?"

The kids are both getting excited for the arrival of our newest Long! Sam like to come up to my belly and start kissing it or patting it, saying baby over and over again. Sometimes she will share her blanket and enforces that it's just for the baby, not for mom! Occasionally she'll come over and put her binky in my belly button, because binkies are for babies, not for my big girl. Eric loves coming over to talk to the baby. It usually goes something like this... "I'm just going to talk to the baby. (In a high pitched voice) Hi baby! What should we do for tonight? I'm going to sing you a song. (usually I am a child of God). Mom, where's his head?"


I started a new job at UVRMC working PT night shifts. I have my first night shift job tonight and I'm not sure if I'm more nervous about the lack of sleep I've had, or that I finally get to start orienting to the shift I will actually be working. Either way tonight will be an adventure. The next three days I will be a bit of a zombie, as I have back to back nights. But I'm glad to finally be starting to see what I can actually handle. It's nice to finally be back in the hospital doing what I love. I can tell the stress is there, but I also feel so much better about myself. It's so nice to have something to do that is just for me. Something that I can do, that I love to do, that I can use to help my family. Currently we are acting like I'm not getting paid, and any money that I bring it is getting thrown into savings for our Van or at the house to bring the interest down. I didn't think that I would feel any different having a job a wanted for so long, but I do. I love being able to work as a nurse. And I'm so grateful to have a husband that supports me in wanting to work. He really is the best thing that could've happened to me. I'm so lucky that he's willing to pick up my slack around the house, by doing the laundry/dishes/general cleaning when I come home and literally just pass out for an hour (usually more than that...). But the kids are being a little too quiet... so it's time for this mama to go investigate...