My biggest fear and secret.

I am the wife of a wonderful husband, who does everything he can to take care of me. I am the mother to three amazing children who have more love in them than I ever know what do to with. I am a nurse working in the field I've wanted to be in since I was 5. I have a beautiful home that I love. I have a neighborhood with kids close in age to my own. I am 12 weeks pregnant.

With all these wonderful things in my life I should be so happy. But I'm not. I wake up knowing I will dry heave/throw up within the hour. I wake up wondering why I even bothered to sleep when I know all it brings is the next day. I spend my day reacting to everything my kids do because I just don't have it in me to help them before it becomes a problem. I lay on the couch wondering why I even got out of bed. Eric is old enough to take care of his sisters right? He's 5. He can get them breakfast and lunch, Dad can deal with dinner when he gets home. Right? No. No, Eric needs to be a kid. He needs to go play and have fun and learn. He needs to be able to figure out his own life, he's way too young to have that amount of responsibility. So I get up when I hear them fighting again because Sam and Kaelee are in his room again and he wants some alone time. The stress always gets to me. Even on days when there really isn't anything bad happening. I hate going to work. I hate knowing that I will need to meet someones emotional and healing needs when I have less than nothing to give. I hate feeling like this. So I tell myself to grow up. Get over it. My life isn't about me, it's about my family. But every week I break. Every week I blow up and take it out on my husband because I just can't deal with life anymore. Every week we get in a huge fight over nothing because I have nothing to give and nothing anyone does helps me feel any better. So I run on empty until scratching the bottom finally breaks and I have to glue it all back together and pretend everything is finally okay again. But it's not. And he knows it. But neither of us know what to do. And I don't want to admit that what I'm dealing with is depression and that it getting worse.

Yesterday I broke. And I broke hard. I couldn't get the pieces back together. I couldn't deal with anything. So I didn't. I just cried and let myself feel everything that I had been pushing back and trying to ignore. And it hurt. I felt like my heart was literally ripping apart. When I cried my last tears I tried to lock all the feelings away again so I would just stop feeling all together. I hid where I always hide. On Facebook. But it didn't work. Instead I got a wake up call. The first thing that registered from scrolling through my feed was this post from "The Emily Effect" page.

Someone was watching. Someone knew I needed to see that and re-hear everything that Matt had been saying for weeks that I didn't want to hear. I got my wake up call. So today when I went to my prenatal appointment I finally told someone. It was the hardest conversation I've ever had. One that I had been doing everything in my power to avoid. but one that I needed desperately to have. I still feel like I should be able to get over this on my own, to logic my way out of it like I did during the last few weeks of being pregnant with Kaelee. But I know I can't. This time is different. This time I need to help. This time I'm finally willing to admit it.

I know I will still have hard days, even with the medication, but at least now there is hope. Now I'm not fighting the battle alone. Now I finally feel like I can accept the help my husband has always been trying to give. 

I can't do this alone. And I finally don't feel guilty as I say that. 

Lenna

Today I am at a loss for words.

This past week I was informed that Matt's Grandma Lenna was being discharged from the hospital on Hospice care. My mind immediately started racing. I work on the hospice floor (Medical/Oncology/Hospice) at my hospital. I started going through everything in my head that needed to be done for her. Everything that I would do for her if she was in my care at the hospital. And then I realized how little I could do. I struggled knowing I could only call. That none of my training as a nurse could prepare me for the total waste I felt like it all was at that moment. And then I got this feeling that a call would be enough, that I needed to call. The kids needed to call. I knew it needed to happen. So I changed our advent calendar around and made sure that the activity for the night was "call someone you love just to say hi."

I talked to Eric and Sam and let them know that Aiti was very sick and that we needed to do something to help her feel better. Eric said he wanted to sing her a song to help her feel better. So we called and put the kids on speaker phone. I asked Eric what song he wanted to sing to help Aiti feel better. Immediately without thinking he said he wanted to sing "I am a Child of God." So he started singing to her. Sam and I joined in once I got my emotions under control. After we finished that song Sam said she wanted to sing "Once there was a snowman." She did all the actions and wanted Aiti to see her dance. After that we said our goodbyes and I love you's.

They let us know she started smiling, that she reacted to them singing. I about lost it inside, but outwardly brushed it off, saying that they were just saying that for the kids. If ever there was a time to not want someone to start responding its when they are dying. With all of those I have taken care of on their last day, when they respond back it's them saying their final good byes.

This morning I woke up to a call from my husband informing me that Lenna passed about three hours after we called. I lost it. I came out to find my kids huddled on the couch watching a movie and picked them up and just held them while I cried. Eric couldn't be distracted from his movie, but Sam kept asking me why I was crying. I told her I was crying because a friend of mine had died. And in her little voice she said, "you are sad they died, but you are happy because I not dead. I hold you Mommy and then you be happy." I cried harder and held on to her for dear life. I gave myself a few min to cry, but then I decided I had to stop. The day wouldn't stop for me. So we got up and got going with the day.

I never expected to be bothered by her passing.  I've only known her for six years. She wasn't "my" grandma so why was I upset? And then slowly it hit me. She may not have been my grandmother by birth, but she is the only grandma I've ever really had. My biological grandmas may be alive and well, but the only real connection I have with them is the fact that they are my parent's moms. I have maybe two or three memories with them. They've never met my children. But Aiti had. Aiti loved knowing about them and how they were doing. Anti would send them pictures back after we sent ones to her. My kids loved her. They loved playing with her and sharing their excitement for new toys with her. They loved going for rides on her walker. They loved when she would take them on rides on her Jazzy. She may not have been in my life very long, but she did know how to love and how to share that love with everyone. She wanted everyone to know that they were important and made sure that if she was in the room they knew they mattered.

And now as I sit her writing this I can't help but remember the first time and met her and the bear hug she gave me. She accepted me before she even knew who I was. All she knew was the her grandson loved me and that was enough. Lenna was truly filled with the Love of Christ and knew how to share it. She never held back and always gave 100% of herself to anyone and everyone.

Lenna I will miss you. But I know you haven't wasted one minute since you passed.

Till we meet again.

Umm What??

So I feel like time has turned into a blur. Between taking care of my two crazies, planning for an unknown to join us in April and starting a new job; life seems to be flying before my eyes. I'm learning more each day how much I can't do by myself any more and how often I need the help of others. It's been an interesting lesson to learn. I'm so used to being able to do everything by myself or with minimal help, that having to ask for help is sometimes more then I can handle. Thankfully, I am lucky enough to me married to a patient man who is more then willing to step in and ask for help (even when I protest) because he knows it's what we both need.

Ahh the kiddos....

Eric's best lines

"When Carter comes we're going to play monsters."
"If it's Kaelee I'm just going to put her back in your tummy and get Carter out."
"Excuse me Mom, I need to tell you something."
"So what should we do for tonight?"

The kids are both getting excited for the arrival of our newest Long! Sam like to come up to my belly and start kissing it or patting it, saying baby over and over again. Sometimes she will share her blanket and enforces that it's just for the baby, not for mom! Occasionally she'll come over and put her binky in my belly button, because binkies are for babies, not for my big girl. Eric loves coming over to talk to the baby. It usually goes something like this... "I'm just going to talk to the baby. (In a high pitched voice) Hi baby! What should we do for tonight? I'm going to sing you a song. (usually I am a child of God). Mom, where's his head?"


I started a new job at UVRMC working PT night shifts. I have my first night shift job tonight and I'm not sure if I'm more nervous about the lack of sleep I've had, or that I finally get to start orienting to the shift I will actually be working. Either way tonight will be an adventure. The next three days I will be a bit of a zombie, as I have back to back nights. But I'm glad to finally be starting to see what I can actually handle. It's nice to finally be back in the hospital doing what I love. I can tell the stress is there, but I also feel so much better about myself. It's so nice to have something to do that is just for me. Something that I can do, that I love to do, that I can use to help my family. Currently we are acting like I'm not getting paid, and any money that I bring it is getting thrown into savings for our Van or at the house to bring the interest down. I didn't think that I would feel any different having a job a wanted for so long, but I do. I love being able to work as a nurse. And I'm so grateful to have a husband that supports me in wanting to work. He really is the best thing that could've happened to me. I'm so lucky that he's willing to pick up my slack around the house, by doing the laundry/dishes/general cleaning when I come home and literally just pass out for an hour (usually more than that...). But the kids are being a little too quiet... so it's time for this mama to go investigate...

The kiddos

Good grief where did the time go!!

Well as you have probably guessed life has been crazy! Hence the lack of blog posting... However I thought I'd take a quick min to show you some of what we've been up to! 

Blanket for a little princess! (No she is not mine!!)

Minion hat I made and will be making to sell 

My bottomless pit named Eric

Sam being Sam 

Teal'C sleeping in my yarn

Best part of Sundays :)

Third batch of blankets for the hospital :)

Ahh the Winter...

       I feel like this winter has been very mild. But for whatever reason, ever since Matt brought home a cough from work I can not get my kids healthy! Soo frustrating! But life goes on... So for now we are just upping their Vit's and hoping that we can catch a break. I love my kiddos and all the extra snuggles but I'm slightly over hearing them (especially Sam) cry because the coughing hurts. :( This is the one part of healthcare that I HATE! The waiting to see if their body will kick into gear and get it done. So far we've had ups and downs but such is normal. It has to get worse before it can get better. I just hope that it will start getting better soon! *Fingers Crossed!*

       Other than that things are moving along (slowly) on the house repairs/updates. I'm currently working on painting out cupboards. The ones I have the first coat on look soo much better than the brown! Everything in my current Kitchen is just so dark that it feels so much smaller than it actually is. The grey definitely helps to lighten it up and breathe some new life into these cupboards and all their years of use. My goal is still to eventually replace all of them, but for now while that is just a pipe dream I'm just going to give it all a face lift and start liking what I see again. I really wish I would've known what I wanted in here before we moved in. But I'm glad that I know now and can get it done and make it gorgeous! Matt helped me pick out the colors (and by "helped" I mean told me to pick whatever makes me happy, such a smart husband!!). I'll have to post some pictures once we get it all painted and looking amazing! But probably before I get the decor up (because I'm still deciding those minor details).

But that's about all the excitement going on in our lives for now. Hopefully some of it will end soon!!