Trying to find joy...

      Tuesday I took the NCLEX-RN again. I felt really good going in and coming out of the test. But since then, not knowing how I did is started to eat away at me. When I first got out of the test I walked out to where Matt was waiting for me. We talked a little bit and I asked him if he had internet reception. He said yes, so I snagged his computer and tried the Pearson Vue trick (basically you try to register to take the NCLEX again, if it doesn't let you pay then supposedly you pass, if it does let you pay then it's likely that you failed). It wouldn't let me pay, so I had really high hopes that I'd passed. I felt so good about what I'd done, and to make things even better, Matt took me out to dinner at a Thai restaurant up in Sandy to celebrate having taken the NCLEX and being done (for the time being). Well after we got home after picking up Eric, I couldn't believe that I'd passed. And I started to have this horrible feeling that I'd failed again.

       I kept thinking about how I'd probably failed again. About how I'm going to deal with needing to take that stupid test all over again.  I thought about all the things  I'd rather do with my life, just so I don't have to face that computer screen and all 265 questions just to fail again. When it all boils down to it, all I want to do is be a nurse. I've wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember, and yet actually being a nurse always seems just out of my reach. I was surprised at how much it hurt when I didn't pass the first time, and how long it took me to get over feeling like a failure. What surprised me even more was how over powering and how quickly they came back. It got to the point that I just couldn't handle not knowing anymore, so I paid the extra money to find out if I'd passed or failed. The answer. I failed. Since then it's just been one attempt at holding it all together after another.. Soon I'll go curl up in a ball and just let the tears cascade, but only for a short time. Then I'll slowly start picking up the pieces and start studying again. Who knows maybe 3rd times the charm with this too....

Crushed...

       This is probably a premature despair on my part, but currently it's all I can think about since I got the call from Matt's commanding ROTC officer... I found out Thursday night that Matt's training dates for this summer were moved from June 13-July 11 to July 8-Aug 6. Which means that unless this little boy comes the week of July 4th Matthew won't be here to see him come into the world... So I've been contemplating what that really means to me. I guess I never really thought about what it would be like giving birth to my first child without the support of my amazing husband. Every dream I've had about giving birth Matt is always right there beside me, helping me and sharing the pure and ultimate joy of finally meeting our son. But since that call, I feel like all my hopes and dreams are being crushed and thrown out the window. I mean this is our FIRST. You only get one of those... Granted you also only get one second, third, forth and fifth too... but having that first one, the one you base all your expectations for the other deliveries on, having that one crushed just feels so much more depressing to me (at least for the time being as I have yet to experience the others). I keep hoping that MSG Straight got him mixed up with another cadet like he has in the past, but I don't dare believe that to be true...
So on Monday I'm going to talk to my OB about possibly inducing the week of July 4th, but I don't think he'll agree to it... But for now I cling to the hope that he will agree because it is an extenuating circumstance... If not I'll just hope and pray that I'm like my mom when it comes to the first child. Because in all reality having Eric any time after July 1st would still be considered full term... So I just hope and pray that Eric feels the same and is ready to come meet his family that couldn't be more excited to have him.