Trying to find joy...

      Tuesday I took the NCLEX-RN again. I felt really good going in and coming out of the test. But since then, not knowing how I did is started to eat away at me. When I first got out of the test I walked out to where Matt was waiting for me. We talked a little bit and I asked him if he had internet reception. He said yes, so I snagged his computer and tried the Pearson Vue trick (basically you try to register to take the NCLEX again, if it doesn't let you pay then supposedly you pass, if it does let you pay then it's likely that you failed). It wouldn't let me pay, so I had really high hopes that I'd passed. I felt so good about what I'd done, and to make things even better, Matt took me out to dinner at a Thai restaurant up in Sandy to celebrate having taken the NCLEX and being done (for the time being). Well after we got home after picking up Eric, I couldn't believe that I'd passed. And I started to have this horrible feeling that I'd failed again.

       I kept thinking about how I'd probably failed again. About how I'm going to deal with needing to take that stupid test all over again.  I thought about all the things  I'd rather do with my life, just so I don't have to face that computer screen and all 265 questions just to fail again. When it all boils down to it, all I want to do is be a nurse. I've wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember, and yet actually being a nurse always seems just out of my reach. I was surprised at how much it hurt when I didn't pass the first time, and how long it took me to get over feeling like a failure. What surprised me even more was how over powering and how quickly they came back. It got to the point that I just couldn't handle not knowing anymore, so I paid the extra money to find out if I'd passed or failed. The answer. I failed. Since then it's just been one attempt at holding it all together after another.. Soon I'll go curl up in a ball and just let the tears cascade, but only for a short time. Then I'll slowly start picking up the pieces and start studying again. Who knows maybe 3rd times the charm with this too....

Journal Jar...

      So in an effort to write more on this blog I've decided to start using my "Journal Jar" that I made. So the one that Matt picked for this post is "What do you look forward to the most?"

      For me, the thing that I look forward to the most is working at a nurse and being a mom. (Big surprise??) Other then that I just look forward to spending the rest of my life with the most wonderful  man in the world, Matt. He's been such a blessing in my life and I can't picture my life without him. He's always there for me no matter what, even if I just need him to hold me while I cry for absolutely no reason at all. I know that no matter what gets thrown at us, we'll make it through because we have each other.

      I look forward to working at nurse because I feel like as a nurse I can do some good in this world. And even if I never do anything great with my life, I'll know that I gave it my best and did what I could to help people around me. I wanted to be a nurse because I love taking care of people, I always have. Even as a kid when someone got hurt and was crying (especially my little brother Matt) I wanted to be the one to take care of them and help them feel better.  Because it was something that I could do that not everyone around me would/could. I loved that blood has never bothered me, that (oddly enough) seeing blood and what ever else just makes me feel calm and level headed, like I'm supposed to be taking care of it and helping that person heal. I had a teacher tell me that I was scary because in one paper I said that "blood excites me." Which yes out of context I can see how that would scare her, and I did use poor wording to explain that when there is someone that's hurt and bloody, I feel so calm and like I can handle the situation. Which for me is exciting, because normally I have a really hard time going out and doing things because I feel so uncomfortable going out of my comfort zone; but, when it comes to someone being hurt or needing my help, it's like my comfort zone becomes the whole world and like I can do anything.


    But for now I will just do my best and work towards my goals.